Our Daily Bread

“This, then, is how you should pray:

“‘Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
10 your kingdom come,
your will be done,
    on earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us today our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts,
    as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13 And lead us not into temptation,[a]
    but deliver us from the evil one.[b]

– Jesus teaching disciples to pray, Matthew 6:9-13

One discipline many of us struggle with is dedicated time for our spiritual practice.  I pray daily while I’m doing things and sing along with every worship song on the radio,  but I don’t get into the Word of God nearly often enough.

A lot of my early life was spent as part of the church. It helped that I grew up in a tiny little town. There were two entities that had events: the school and the church. There was only one school in town and 2 churches. Half of the people in my church also worked at the school, so there’s no getting things by on the church. You’re held to a higher standard in rural towns.

My parents are strong believers. They went on some short term mission trips and came back on fire for God’s calling. They included teachings of God in much of our lives. There were many mornings that my dad would pull out Our Daily Bread and read it to us while we ate breakfast. It was a nice start to the day. We went to church as a family most of the time. My father even got a chance to preach at times.

I was a very active member of our church. I was part of the youth group, the bell choir, the Christmas drama, and often ended up part of any other thing we had going on. I also took part in the youth group from the other church in town. Like I said, rural town; not much to do.

When I became an adult, my time was now in my own hands. I also moved to a place that had LOTS AND LOTS of events. I could go to a different event every single day if I wanted to. I also could be part of 90 different groups if I wanted. Church and school were not my only options any longer. Slowly, my spiritual practice time got chewed away at.

I was lucky that I transferred my junior year to a school with a fairly active Intervarsity Christian Fellowship. I got involved in their Bible studies, their events, and even the gospel choir on campus. I didn’t need to do a lot of my own creation of spiritual practice time; this group created a lot of that for me. They also gave me accountability and “homework” to keep me up to speed.

Out of college, I got a job at a Christian camp. During their off season, they hosted retreats, so I became their retreat hostess. Once again, I was in direct service of God. My job included prayer, honest vulnerable talk about beliefs, and events that included the worship of the One Whom I Love.

Then, I married and got a job in my field. We haven’t had a “home” church for about 6 years. In this time, my resolve to spend time in my Bible and in worship has flagged. I’m blessed enough to have a great local radio station that offers worship music. There’s an AM station that has talk shows and sermons that gives me some learning when I crave it. I still pray whenever I’m led. The radio has sustained that “alone time” feel most of the time; it still felt lacking.

And then I discovered podcasts. In particular,  Our Daily Bread. I know that some might not like this publication’s format. That’s fine.  I may not relate to the writing every single day.  That’s fine too. The encouragement that I get from these 5-10 minute devotionals is worth every minute that may have seemed wasted at the time.

Commutes can be brutal. Something to listen to can be the difference between road rage and a calm ride. Radio stations lose signal at times. They also can air songs or sermons that get my ire up. The memory of a specific song being used to abuse someone can make me change the station. A sermon that highlights hatred or bigotry can do the same to me. That has been when I turn to the podcasts lately. Your church may have a podcast; many churches have gone to offering them. Getting a serving of the Bible is helpful for me. If you feel similarly, I included a link to the podcast I listen to for Our Daily Bread below.

Link for Our Daily Bread Podcast on Google Play Music: https://play.google.com/music/m/Ijpqyhygtcg63n5iutxzgt46cye?t=Our_Daily_Bread_Podcast_Our_Daily_Bread

I don’t know how many other sites have the podcast. I’m sure you can just search it in your software of choice. Either way, I hope you find a podcast or group that can offer you something to fill the static between your road rage and your craving for more in this life. While you look, keep moving; we’ll see you on the road.

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Dumb Things People Say

Stepmom Magazine is a digital magazine that has had an impact on my life. I never subscribed to it, but I have seen articles and videos here and there that have helped me. I have stepmom friends who have been subscribed to it. They printed it out and read the whole thing, then shared it with the rest of our group to help someone else. It’s been immeasurably helpful to many many stepmoms, often keeping second and third families together.

A blended family can be a mix of first, second, third, and even 4th families. A first family is when an unmarried and never married person marries someone of similar marital past. They have children together and raise said children together. A second or even third or 4th family is a family created after a divorce, especially if there are children involved. Ours is a first/second/third family. I am on my first marriage as Jeremy’s second wife; his ex wife is married to her third husband.

Someone who hasn’t experience being in one of these situations has no idea what the participants go through. I am in part of this family, but I can’t even imagine what Jeremy’s ex or her new husband go through in their part of our family. Every little bit is different, making roles hard to navigate and communication tough to keep up with.

The most common thing that happens to those of us that are on the inside of a blended family is criticism. We get it from each other, from others in the family, and from outsiders. The outsiders part is really the most irritating. The people that are part of the family have a right to have feelings about what I do or say. Those of you not involved in it do not have any right to criticize. Even if you have had a blended family, you don’t know our exact situation.

That said, I know that many of you love people in blended families. You want to help and offering support or advice can be helpful. Sometimes, you don’t really understand what you’re saying though. This is a topic that has been addressed over and over again in the Stepmom magazine. Just in the time I’ve known about it, I’ve seen this topic addressed 2 different ways on the screen. One video is one that came up today for me on social media as a memory. I posted it 2 years ago.

Here is the video: 5 Dumbest Things People Say

Although they may be a little harsh, some of these original statements feel pretty harsh too. I still feel this way about most of these things people say:

#1- Like saying “You knew there were grizzly bears in the forest” or “You knew that cars get in crashes sometimes”… just because someone has kids doesn’t mean you knew how complicated that would be or what wrenches could possibly be thrown in by other people.
#2- Does anyone ever really “need” to have children? The point is that if she wants children or not has nothing to do with whether he already has them.
#3- I’d like to hear you say that to adoptive & foster parents and see how you come out… Here’s some protective headgear.
#4- Because love is just based on being nice… right? Oh… it’s not? Good, that explains the massive loyalty issues, love/hate complications, and painful baggage that my stepchildren have to deal with. It’s not about being nice, no matter how much you try.
#5- My horns are under this cute hairdo…

Read the comments of the video too. You might get some good feedback on how your “help” might be perceived.

Some things you CAN say to help when a stepmom is frustrated and needs to vent to you:

#1- That sounds really complicated. Can you tell me more about how you’re feeling on this?

#2- How are you feeling about his kids? Are you planning to have your own? How do you want to involve your step kids?

#3- Just listen and ask open ended questions. Advice isn’t always necessary. Comments on “parental status” aren’t necessary either. One question that may be helpful is “This is all really hard stuff to navigate. How much parenting do you feel you want to be doing in this situation?”

#4- Tough love is often hard to do, especially if you don’t get supported by all parents involved. Here, have another glass of tea/wine/coffee/etc.

#5- You look great today, despite all of the hard stepparenting work you’ve been doing. Nice job, lady.

If you must comment on these things, there are better options than criticism or assumptions. You can do it, I know you can. I’ve had some great support from people who previously were not so good at it. Communication and listening are a big part of that.

So, keep supporting your loved ones through their struggles and we’ll see you on the road.

A little RV update today: We are plenty warm. In fact, it was 80 degrees inside the other day when it was -20 degrees outside. Win! We’ve done some double insulating on things you’ve never thought of adding insulation to. We’re looking forward to even more time living in the Girl Next Door. How’d you weather the storm?

A Million Ideas

When life is busy, it’s easy to come up with ideas to write. Ideas jump out of the minute details of life. The only problem is that my brain doesn’t flow to typing when I am stressed.

You’ll remember that we recently (well, a few months ago) had Jason (16) move in with us in the RV. He’s had quite a few struggles so far in his short life and we were all hoping this would be a new start. At first, everything went along for a few weeks. Then, the bottom dropped out. I haven’t written about it because I just didn’t have the emotional energy.

Since that day, there have been multiple law enforcement involved events, as well as a few hospital visits. Jeremy took himself to the hospital twice, just to be sent home. These million ideas don’t flow from me, but they do get lodged in his head.

You see, with Jeremy’s mental disorders, he has a hard time letting things go. He also has a hard time sorting through the millions of ideas that already sit in his head. They all become jammed up when he gets stressed and collide in a horrific noise of anger and confusion. I have a feeling Jason has something like this happen too at times. Throughout the last few months, getting anything done was hard because their collisions were both happening simultaneously and being spewed out on each other.

Our place wasn’t a healthy location for Jason and it wasn’t healthy for us to have him living with us, just like his mom’s. It was toxic for everyone involved because of how he takes out his mental collisions and confusions. We (all of the parents in this situation) are not professionals and we are not equipped to deal with Jason’s myriad of mental illnesses, just as we wouldn’t be equipped to take care of a cancer surgery. Jeremy and Jason have both admitted that, when they’re amped up (excited, anxious, or angry), it’s hard for them to hear and see things as they really are. It’s not so much a loss of reality as it is a selective hearing that they don’t get to select. Then, that delusional state attacks them and tells them that they’re not good enough because they miss so much when they’re stressed.

That’s a dysfunction we’d like to change. We have multiple counseling appointments a week between all 3 of us and one of the regular focuses of these sessions is finding ways to deal with the delusions and the loss of memory tied to emotional dysregulation. #1 is to take breaks if anyone starts to get emotional. That’s hard when they’re already functioning lower because they’re the ones getting emotional.

That lower functioning has recently lead to some violence. Many forms of violence: physical, emotional, verbal, and property violence. Don’t know the difference? Ok, let’s address that:

  1. Physical violence is often what most people refer to as violence. In our house, it has recently come out as grabbing, shoving, punching, kicking, and spitting. Jeremy and Jason got into a physical altercation on December 4th. It resulted in Jason moving out of our tiny living spot into his brother’s house.
  2. Emotional violence. This can be paired with verbal violence, but does not entirely have to be. It could be a breach of trust. It could be violating someone’s privacy. It could be gaslighting. Intimidation is often an emotional violence tactic. It could be getting someone’s hopes up about something, then repeatedly disappointing them (most often a visit or something you tell them you’ll do with them). It could be just creating drama and picking verbal arguments. The emotional labor that’s necessary for these situations is staggering and makes it impossible to think of anything else.
  3. Verbal violence: Many people know this, but don’t talk about it as violence. It’s name calling. It’s swearing. It’s also gaslighting. It’s telling someone that their worth is nothing or that their hopes don’t matter. It’s the words someone uses to bring about emotional violence. It can be spoken, drawn, written, or digital. It can even be signed; with more than a middle finger sometimes. This violence has been part of our household for years. Many people don’t view this type of violence as as “bad” as other forms. Let me just tell you… It IS.
  4. Property violence is attacking your victim’s property in some way. Most recently in our house, stealing has happened. Jeremy came home from our vacation trip to find our business address locked, but had things moved around. Our electronics had been used. The Square credit card reader was stolen. The iPad had a factory reset done on it, deleting ALL of our apps and data. The safe had been moved, although not opened that we could tell because, thankfully, Jeremy had locked it. Jason is the only person other than us who knew where any spare keys were. He’s been hanging out with a man who has a felony credit card fraud on his record. I hope that man realizes that his parole can be revoked if Jason gets in trouble because of him. He could be charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor if he let’s Jason keep coming around.
    Other property damage that’s happened is breaking or damaging someone else’s things. On the night that Jason attacked Jeremy, he also attacked Jeremy’s car. He was kicking and hitting it, which lead to dents. He was also purposely smoking in the car with the windows rolled down, so that it would smell up the car.  Jeremy and his oldest have put holes in walls before, both as intimidation tactics and property violence. Jason’s favorite form is to create more chaos. He will spread the contents of a car all over the yard or tear off the decoration from walls or remove the skirting from the RV. It’s a common occurrence that someone will steal money from others as a form of property violence. Property violence is a way to control someone just as much as emotional abuse, verbal abuse and physical abuse.

And that’s what it’s all about. It’s about controlling another person. That is disrespectful and creates many rifts in relationships.

I need to note here that this is NOT the same as a parent taking a child’s phone if they are doing something wrong or requiring a child to put money into an account to save for the future. It is not the same as a parent giving a child consequences if they are rude or disrespectful. It is not the same as an adult teaching a child by enforcing the rules. There are times when violence and consequences feel the same because no one wants either one to happen to them. The difference is that consequences are something that come because of our own actions. Violence is something someone enacts upon us.

We are sad that it didn’t work out how we had hoped to have Jason live with us. We will continue to love Jason and try to help him straighten his life out. We hope he will stop self-sabotaging by perpetuating violence and getting involved with people who lead him astray. That doesn’t mean we have to be in the way of the tornado until he starts to take responsibility. We will continue to work with his care team and hopefully, he will come clean and get straight before he has a consequence that is permanent.

So, it’s just Jeremy and I in the RV now. We are planning to continue to focus on our own health and wellness, trying always to help others when we can. Hopefully, you’ll join us. We’ll see you on the road.

Frozen Tundra

The Green Bay Packers football team plays their home games on a field that is lovingly referred to as “The Frozen Tundra”. There’s a good reason for this; Wisconsin is a very cold place to be.

We live in this very cold place because of family and jobs. Jason has friends.  I have a job doing production support for a high-end personal care product company. Jeremy has a stable client base. His parents live less than 30 minutes from where we are parked abs Jason”s mom is about 45. The people and the jobs are important reasons for us to stay.

Living here is not extremely hard if you have 8 inches of insulation and double pain windows to protect you from the frigid elements. Wisconsin temperatures regularly drop to double digits below zero in the coldest parts of the year. The wind regularly reaches 20 miles an hour. Each year,  the place we are parked averages betweenbetween 50-100 inches of snow in season. This is the reality we are lookin at for the next 6 months.

For these reasons,  we have to insulate extra and find good reliable safe heating sources. For insulation,  we used mostly 2 inch foam board.  We have it in a makeshift wall that covers our largest window,  all around the skirting, and stuffed in the cabinets. We also have plastic wrap and reflectix for the windows. The reflectix alai helps with the vents. We bought a set of insulated curtains and hung them between the cockpit and the living room, making the cockpit into a storage area that’s 4 degrees colder than the living space. We even have a reflectix wrapped foam piece to put in front of the door when we are sleeping. We also placed a tarp over all of the skirting and the whole front end to keep out the wind.

Heat sources are a constant topic with RVers in the Midwest. For us,  we use a ceramic heater under our skirting and warm incandescent light bulbs in our tank bay, as well as the refrigerator compartment. We have a small electric heater that runs most of the time in the winter that sits in the kitchen. We have heated blankets for our beds. We will be baking and cooking on the stovetop regularly. We have one Mr. Buddy propane heater that we use only while we are awake to bring the whole place to a comfortable temperature.  Sometimes I’m awake at 2 a.m. for this reason alone.

While we do have a furnace that is built in to our rig, we have opted not to use it. We waited too long this summer to find someone to do a tune up and the furnace has exterior vents. We want to keep anything that goes outside closed if we can to limit the heat loss. Wealso want direct control of all heating sources and energy drains. A concern with RV living is carbon monoxide poisoning and propane furnaces are high on the risk scales.  So we have chosen to eliminate the use of this comfort in favor of things we only use consciously.

We also have a back up plan.  In the case that our current plan fails or it is far too cold for these measures to keep up, we have a house we can go into.  The place where we are parked sits in the driveway of a good friend of ours. They have included in our winter lease that we can come in the house if it gets too cold outside. Since this is our first full winter in The Girl Next Door, the house option takes a huge anxiety off our minds.

So,  to recap, we are not going south because we need to pay our bills and we don’t want to “just get an apartment for the winter”. We want to see how this works for us for at least a full year.  Being in our own home is important to us. This is the home we decided to try. Stay warm,  my friends,  and we will see you on the road.

Happiness is Grateful

I recently read an article in Forbes from 2014 about gratitude. (Find article HERE) What are you grateful for today?

For gratitude, you don’t necessarily have to be grateful to any specific being. I prefer to thank God for the things I have because that is who I believe has the ultimate authority to give and take away. You may be grateful to the specific people involved, a different diety, the universe itself, or even grateful to your past self for setting you up to have these opportunities.

It’s hard to grasp gratitude some days. Especially in our house, there are weeks that are really hard to find something to be grateful for. We’ve spent hours at doctors trying to find a way to cope with life, more hours working on a home that seems to fall apart regularly, are on a first name basis with cops because we see them so often, and even more hours trying to right our upside down money situation. Life can seem dismal.

At the same time, there are always great things to be grateful for. Here are some of mine lately:

I am grateful for a car that is fairly reliable to get me to work and back.

I am grateful for a place to park our home.

I am grateful for people who love me.

I am grateful my husband put down the monkey wrench.

I am grateful my husband and stepson work very hard to regularly take their psych meds.

I am grateful for in-laws who are always willing to help.

I am grateful the police officers are understanding and factual.

I am grateful that my co-workers are constantly cracking jokes. It gets me through my days.

I am grateful for a supervisor that can just look at me and know that something is very off in my life. I’m grateful he’s willing to listen.

I am grateful for a job at a company that pays me well and cares even more about me as a whole person.

I am grateful for loved ones who listen, empathize, and move on to other topics without trying to fix it.

I am grateful for endless shrimp dinners.

I am grateful for food, clean water, heat, and clothing.

So, again I ask, what are you grateful for today?

I’m looking forward to hearing your answers. We’ll see you on the road.

We Needed a Wall

“I will build a great, great wall on our southern border and I will make Mexico pay for that wall.”–Donald Trump via azquotes.com

This post has nothing to do with politics. Although, it was a great great wall with a “UUUUGE” beautiful door in it. All kidding aside, we did build 2 walls this weekend.

You see, we’re living in the Midwest for the winter. In an RV, this takes on a whole new set of challenges. The insulation that’s put in RVs aren’t exactly created to help with -30ºF. They’re thrown together to replace your typical tent during camping.

There are RVs that are 4 season RVs. That means the bottom is enclosed, they may have extra high insulation compared to other RVs, and some even have built in skirting to prevent wind from getting underneath. Our RV is a “vintage” model, meaning it’s over 25 years old. There weren’t very many Arctic packages back then for RVs. It is called a 4 season model, so the bottom is enclosed and insulated, but it’s 25 year old insulation. Taking extra precautions is a must.

This lead us to add some insulation to our walls and windows. Each window, before the next few weeks are out, will get plastic added. 22199178_1976654349237254_176131283_o

All of our windows have already had some reflectix wrapped styrofoam insulation board made to be held in place with velcro.

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We even added some 2″ foam board with a wooden frame to cover one large window and one fairly open wall.

Well, Jeremy and Jason built the wall with Jeremy’s parents. I took care of creating meals and not knowing how to help.

On top of that, we expanded our cabinets by removing some unnecessary compartments for wires, along with adding the foamboard insulation in every cabinet. You can kind of see the insulation in them on the above pictures.

Jeremy picked up a few batteries off of craigslist for a pretty good deal. We also found evidence of some animal visitors, some of which we hope do not return. The cat is welcome back anytime.

All in all, it was a very productive weekend. We are getting more and more ready for winter every day. Hoping to get on the road to move closer to my job and Jason’s school within the next few weeks, so that’s when we’ll see you on the road.

Teenage Turmoil

Sometimes I can’t believe I wrote something. I went back to read the blog I wrote last week about Jason. I got a little teary and wanted to click “Like” on it, then realized that it’s kind of bad etiquette to like your own post.

Last time, I told you, “The primary medical treatment is through pharmaceuticals and anxiety control. I’ll try to discuss this soon when I talk about why the last year has been hard for Jason sometime this week.”

Jason has always had a little bit of a hard time making friends. Kids are harsh and tics are not the norm. It’s hard for children to look past a constant motion like that. On top of that, Jason’s always been extremely sweet. This didn’t work in his favor with young children. He was easily hurt and often went running back to the adults crying “Bully”. There were a few good apples that were very sweet as well. We had them over as much as possible.

This outcast persona in his life, Jason tried very very hard to make friends. He was pretty impressionable and fell to peer pressure regularly. As parents, none of us knew what to do. You’d think with 4 of us, we’d be able to come up with something. Alas, we kept playing defense on the latest scheme he and his friends came up with.

When a child is this easily swayed, they tend to fall in with friends that may not be the best choices. As children get older, these choices of friends start to create situations that may lead to bad choices in behavior. These bad choices in behavior can lead to addictions, whether it be drugs, sex, stealing, or fighting.

Jason fell into some rough crowds. As parents, we were happy he had friends, and unhappy with which ones they were. We tried to keep him safe by allowing less overnights and asking him to have them over to our house instead. We met the parents and discussed what the rules at our houses were. We pried into his life in ways that make all teens irritated and all parents more anxious.

No matter what we did, Jason out smarted us. You see, this sweet young man is also fairly smart. The IQ tests say he’s high average, but I know better. He’s good at playing dumb. It’s gotten him a lot of what he needed in his life. His mom felt needed because he couldn’t remember things. His dad felt like a protector because he “couldn’t take care of himself”. And he got out of doing wrong things by “forgetting” or “I didn’t mean to.” I’m not saying that every one of these times was a play; I just know that many of them were put on to keep us complacent.

Complacency is something all parents crave. We don’t want to nag, be anxious about your behavior, or check into the person’s alibi. We want you to be trustworthy in all you do so that we can just ride through parenthood without a hitch. And we all know that no one is perfect. We all make mistakes, especially when learning about life.

Learning about life is something Jason’s done his share of in the last 2 years. We’ve run into mental health issues, drug issues, stealing, and some questionable choices in how he handles school and other responsibilities. I don’t think these are uncommon. We’ve done the best we can to field the challenges as they come. Jason’s mom took most of the paperwork and agonizing because he’s lived with her most of the time for the last 3 years. We tried to help when we could, but there’s only so much we can do without undermining the other parent, which still happened from time to time because we’re not perfect either.

I want to go back to the sentence I brought forward from the last entry: The primary medical treatment is through pharmaceuticals and anxiety control. I’ll try to discuss this soon when I talk about why the last year has been hard for Jason sometime this week.

When a child starts extreme medical intervention at a young age, they generally start using different pharmaceutical drugs very young as well. Prescription drugs such as sleeping pills and anti-anxiety medicines are some of the most abused substances among teens. The availability of these drugs makes it that much easier to abuse. Plus, once you’ve realized that some substances affect you much stronger than other substances, you might start to try to find the “one” that “fixes” you.

Experimenting like this happens very commonly with children that have medical issues. The National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) published an article in 2010 about Prescription Drug Abuse. Here’s what presenter, Nora D. Volkow M.D. had to say about teen drug abuse: “Nonmedical use among children and adolescents is particularly troublesome given that adolescence is the period of greatest risk not only for drug experimentation but also for developing addiction. At this stage the brain is still developing, and exposure to drugs could interfere with these carefully orchestrated changes. Research also shows adolescents abusing prescription drugs are twice as likely to have engaged in delinquent behavior and nearly three times as likely to have experienced an episode of major depression as teens who did not abuse prescription medications over the past year. Finally, several studies link the illicit use of prescription drugs with increased rates of cigarette smoking, heavy drinking, and marijuana and other illicit drug use in adolescents and young adults in the United States. Thus, prescription drug abuse may be part of a pattern of harmful behaviors engaged in by those at risk for substance use and other mental disorders.”

After some scrapes with the law over domestic violence, stealing, running away, and e-cig usage, Jason went into a residential treatment program last October. He was there until June. During that time, he was watched pretty much 24/7. It was grueling and transformative. I think all 4 of us parents started to feel like we had our caring, sweet Jason back.

Jason went from treatment back to his mom’s house. It went well for a time. He was part of an intensive day program for the summer, he got a job, he even had a girlfriend for a while. His mom dealt with all of this in stride for the most part. Once the day program was over, the county still hadn’t set up some of the services they had been going to get before the move home. Jason and his mom both struggled to keep it together. They did well for the most part.

Then, a few weeks ago, Jason started school. The added stress of school, work, and pleasing his parents seem to have become too much. Just over a week ago, Jason was found unresponsive by a friends’ parents. He had taken some prescription drugs from his friend’s prescription pills. Thankfully, he did not take enough to kill himself, but he was in the hospital for a night and his parents were terrified that he might not make it.

When they were done at the hospital, Jeremy and his ex wife decided it might be better for Jason to live with us. That is how we acquired our new resident. He is enrolled in a high school that is 45 miles from where we are parked right now. Getting him to school at a reasonable time before we have to go to work has been the biggest struggle. Picking him up after school has been just as hard.

With all of that, we are doing pretty well, though. There has been disagreements about rules, screen usage, and space. Those are bound to happen, no matter how much space you have or what your teen’s been through. I think those are natural discussions at all households have. But we love each other and all 3 of us are working really hard to gain trust and put the past behind us. We’re hoping to move The Girl Next Door closer to Jason’s school without taking us out of range of the jobs that we currently hold. It should be an adventure. With that adventure coming, we’ll see you on the road.

We have a New Resident

I think middle school and high school teachers are saints. They work very very hard to come up with engaging, thoughtful lesson plans and are often met with eye rolls and inattention. When they try to talk to the parents about it, they’re often met with “Well, maybe you’re just not teaching it well.” Still, there will always be that one kid that gets something out of a lesson; that one kid who participates and loves that class. Every teacher has one kid who inspires them to keep going.

It’s no secret that I’ve never had any plan to have my own children. Something that many don’t know, though, is that I have always taken care of children that were birthed to others. I babysat from the time I was 11 years old. I taught Sunday School and I visited my mother’s kindergarten class regularly. As an adult, I even had a job doing personal care work for 14 years, in which I often ended up having children as clients. I knew I would probably raise kids, but I knew I wouldn’t have biological ones. I don’t even know if I could; I just never felt a leading to be a biological mother. I assumed that I’d probably adopt or be a foster parent. I never dreamed that I would be a stepmom.

I don’t know if ANYONE ever dreams of being a stepmom. Disney movies have made it very impossible for young girls to think of stepmoms in a good light. Between Cinderella, Aurora (Sleeping Beauty), Rapunzel, and Snow White, why would anyone want to be the villianess? Disney stepmonsters not-withstanding, this woman would have to take on the job of mom in a household without any of the recognition because the biological mother is given that recognition very naturally. Who really wants to clean, cook, and nurture the household of someone else?

Now that I’ve been in this household for 11 years, I’ve learned that it’s not someone else’s household. I have helped raise 2 young men. I met these guys when they were 5 & 10; we married a year later. Now, at 21 and 16 I have moments where I see the lessons I have tried to teach them come through and feel a small amount of parental pride. As they get holder, I have more moments like that and less at the same time because they are not around as much. The 21 year old rarely sees us anymore; he’s a man who’s too busy for his parents. The 16 year old is finding friends and moving toward driving and has a job. Plus, they both have been living elsewhere; the man where he wants, the teen with his biological mother.

That changed this last week. Jason, who’s the 16 year old, has moved into The Girl Next Door with us. Jason, Jeremy and his ex have decided it is in everyone’s best interest for him to be in our household.

You see, Jason’s had a hard year. I mean, all teenage years are rough. Teens brains are growing and changing. My sister says that it’s like road construction: While one part of the brain is developing, it may be closed down and take some detours for different thoughts to get through. This is where the moodiness, “laziness”, inattention, and indecision of teendom come in. “It’s a little like a traumatic brain injury, only the hormones make it happen,” is what my mother said. Her Masters degree is in early childhood development, but she definitely has a unique perspective on the development of teenage brains because of her 35 years in teaching.

Jason’s hard year came after a pretty hard childhood too. Development is something that really gets stung hard in children of divorce and Jason’s parents split when he was only 2. Along with the divorce, his father has a mental illness that greatly effects the ability for relationships and healthy coparenting.

To put some icing on the cake, Jason was diagnosed with Tourette’s syndrome when he was 9. Tourette’s is an anxiety related disorder that creates tics through shorts in the brain’s wiring. Much like OCD or ADHD, it is led by compulsions, so it can be hidden for a time. Jason hid his all day at school, then had to let it go at home or he would have exploded. At 9, he was diagnosed and began medical treatment. The primary medical treatment is through pharmaceuticals and anxiety control. I’ll try to discuss this soon when I talk about why the last year has been hard for Jason sometime this week.

For now, I’ve run out of time to type. I’ll pick up again sometime this week, but just know that 2 have become 3 and we’re loving having the boy we love sleeping so close. Have a great day and we’ll see you on the road.

Leaps of Faith

We got to take some leaps of faith this week. And I’m not talking about a profound leap of faith. I was mostly putting my faith in the harness that I was wearing.

You see, Jeremy and I went zip lining. Last week, he had the experience with a good friend of ours and decided to share it with me for our date this week. It was the best date in a LONG time.

A leap of faith in this context is not the leap we are usually referring to. Usually, people refer to a leap of faith as starting something or moving away from something that we are comfortable with. In these cases, there are many various things that people are putting their “faith” in. Some say it even because they’re scared and don’t know any other way to shore up their courage for the task.

When it comes to leaps of faith, Jeremy and I do them often. When we both went to working for ourselves full time, it was huge leap of faith. Moving into The Girl Next Door was a huge leap of faith. Going back to working for someone else was a leap of faith for me. Just staying married to someone with mental illness AND kids from another marriage is a leap of faith every day. Where is this faith I’m leaping into coming from?

If you don’t know yet, I’m not an average barbie doll. I’m blunt, unafraid, and not afraid to throw my extra weight around. Someone asked me a few weeks ago what makes me so different, because they could feel it. I wasn’t sure of the answer. I realized that I need to practice my answer.

Other than my physical leaps of faith this week, I also started listening to a new book on CD. I know, shocking that I would have more books. The book I picked up is “The Forgotten God” by Francis Chan. It’s a book that focuses on the part of God that many of us take for granted: the Holy Spirit. This is where the faith comes from and this is why I’m different.

I am not afraid of greeting the Jehovah’s Witness on my door step and having a little sit down chat; the Holy Spirit is there and my God is big enough to deal with whatever they may tell me. I might even learn more about God when I allow the Holy Spirit to take over this interaction. I’m not afraid to tell you the truth. I am putting my faith in the Holy Spirit that whoever hears His word will know the truth if God wills it.

There are a lot of things that Chan addresses in this book. Some things that have convicted me already are living our day-to-day life resting in the Spirit, taking leaps of faith when I feel the leading, and trusting more on the Holy Spirit living in me than on my own understanding. I want the fullness of God. When Jesus said in John 7:38-39 that it was to our advantage that He went away, he was giving us a heads up that having the Holy Spirit in our hearts and with us always would be more beneficial.

It’s hard to not have a flesh and blood Jesus. When on the zipline today, there was one young lady that did not want to jump at first. She had a hard time starting. I think there were some of Jesus’ disciples that had that problem. Just like the girl having a zip guide, the disciples had a flesh and blood Jesus to push them off the edge. He called out to them to come and follow him; he gave them a hand to hold and a shoulder to push. She had the guide to “gently direct” her off the platform.

The first jump was the worst. Your heart flutters. If you look over the edge, you start to question the cables and the trolley you’re leaning on. It’s easy to imagine yourself hurtling straight downward if you don’t trust the harness. It’s the same with doing what God is leading us to. It is easy to see how many times you could fail or look silly or look crazy. It is easy to think you might protect God’s honor by avoiding letting Him “fail you” or letting yourself “make Him look bad”. So, we get complacent. We say we’re doing God’s work by being safe. Until you actually take that first jump.

After the first platform, everything gets easier. We went to Trollhaugen in Dresser, Wisconsin for our zip experience. The good guides that they have make it easy to learn confidence as you go. By the end of the trip, you feel pretty good about your abilities. Think of your pastor as your guide now, if you still need a little push. Once you’ve gotten beyond the first, second, and third leaps of faith, you will start to recognize where God wants you. You may not know why, but you’ll recognize that the small, nervous, and exhilarated voice that’s talking you down from the leap might be lying to you. God’s plan may reside on the other end.

The last jump still gets hard for the guides sometimes at this park. It’s a VERY tall jump and you go down at a pretty steep angle. There are leaps in real life that you’re relying on the Holy Spirit to be there and you can’t see them when you look over the edge. It is scary to take these leaps. You feel like you’re free-falling for a time. You wonder if God is really there to catch you. Did you misread his signs? And then, the harness of the Holy Spirit pulls tight and you’re riding a mountain top experience down to the next comfortable platform.

My friends, I am not afraid because I have come to rely on the Holy Spirit. I am “different” because you can’t do anything to hurt me permanently. I am the daughter of the Most High God; no earthly being has the power to stop me if God’s hand is in what I am doing. I have done enough leaps of faith that I push off from the platform now, waiting for that weightless feeling to turn into the elation of the Lord’s unmistakable embrace. Then, you hit the brakes at the end of the line and you go back to life as usual until the next line is ready to ride.

I hope that this blog is clear enough to speak what I’m trying to get across. I hope you’re willing to move into the life of adrenaline that is following God every single day. I hope the Holy Spirit speaks to you to meet your neighbor, stop at this house to offer a helping hand, hug a stranger (with consent of course), paint an outlandish painting, take the job, or write a blog. I pray that God uses your leap of faith to so further His kingdom that you can’t wait to hook up to the next line. Become an adrenaline junky with me by following Him through the Holy Spirit. Jump far and we’ll see you on the road.

A Head Full of Pain

On the Wednesday after Labor Day, I got up and got ready for work. Jeremy had already left to workout, so I had a fairly silent preparation. I thought my foggy head was just from it being 5am and the remnants of a bad headache I had had the day before. As I walked out the door to get to the car, I was reminded that sometimes headaches don’t just go away; they erupt.

I sat down in a lawn chair we have just outside the doors and the world spun. My headache had morphed into a migraine. Now, I don’t get migraines extremely often, but when I do, they are not usually put at bay by a mere Excedrin Migraine, which I did take immediately hoping that it would put me back on my feet. I ended up having my hopes dashed an hour later and informing my employer that I would not be going to work that day. I then crawled back into bed and slept for most of the rest of the day.

Knowing what a migraine feels like often gives me a small bit of insight into how Jeremy and others with bipolar and borderline personality disorders must feel sometimes. I’m lucky; migraines and severe headaches are accepted illnesses and I can at least get some sympathy from people.

There’s always someone that doesn’t get it, though. Where they get “We all feel sad sometimes” or “I have a hard time relating to people sometimes too”, people with migraines hear “Yeah, I get headaches all the time.” Note: Bipolar Depression  and Borderline Personality Disorder are not the same as sadness, just as headaches are not the same as migraines.

Let me show you a physical example: You have been reading my blog. I assume that most of you are reading with a fair amount of ease, maybe with glasses, but for the most part, it’s comprehensible. Now, look at this: 785a97667c645119a46dc4911af7088f--migraines-quotes-chronic-migraine-quotes

Do you see the difference now? And this examples is if the migraine is a minor one. When mine are severe, the center of my vision is entirely fogged out.

Years ago, I found a video that helped me understand a little bit of what Jeremy goes through. When I showed him the video, he told me that it was the closest he’d seen to capturing how he feels and it’s still a tad off the mark. Check it out here: What it Feels like to Have Borderline Personality Disorder.

I didn’t really get it until I watched this. Then, I went on a YouTube binge to try to understand, to try to find treatments that might help, and to reach out to those that I finally felt that I might understand a little better. I got it now that his outbursts, mood swings, and self-deprecation were just an outward expression of his head full of pain. My outward expression was sleeping, dimming the lights, and putting on my fuzzy sweatshirt. On days when his illness was taking hold, he became sullen, lost control of his voice inflection, and was unable to sit for more than 5 minutes. When mine is bad, I can’t get out of bed, cry a lot, and ask him to put on headphones instead of sharing his videos.

Either way, invisible illnesses are harder than they look. Those of  us that have them often fill ourselves with pills to be able to make it through a day at work (as I am doing today, since the remnants of my reasons for staying home are sticking around today). We may take longer breaks than others. We may need more praise and motivation speeches. We don’t want pity and we might just want you to listen for a little bit when we’re tired of explaining that our bodies and brains are rebelling against our intentions. Thank you to those that try. Thank you for reading this post, whether you’re struggling with it or it comes easy to you. I know better than many how hard reading can be some days. Health and happiness to you all; we’ll see you on the road.