It IS harder when you’re the Fat girl

“People who are overweight don’t want unsolicited advice. Guess what. We know we’re fat. We live in homes with mirrors.” –Al Roker, BrainyQuotes.com

And we participate in extracurricular activities; we sit in seats made for someone half our size; we walk through doors built in the 20’s sideways; we go into stores to try to find cute clothing. Let’s face it, we have a constant reminder that we’re bigger, heavier, or “pudgier” than other people.

I went kayaking this Saturday with the Women in the Park program through Friends of the Willow and Kinni. It’s a non-profit group that does most of the programming in the two local state parks. They got a grant to offer this group, so it makes this fun experience accessible to many more people.

The program offers all of the events free to participants under the grant. If not for that, we’d have to pay for our own kayak rental, archery lessons, etc. I decided to participate because I’m trying to get out and do more active things. I figure I can meet more active people to be my friends if I do more active things. I love you all, but I’m tired of just going to dinner, drinking, and talking. Even a short walk after dinner makes it more interesting.

Anyway, I signed up for this class knowing that I’d know no one in attendance. I was just excited to get some real training on kayaking. I had done it a few times with the kayaks that my in-laws have and it was pretty fun, although I kept falling over and getting water in the boat. I found out that I was missing a key element of kayaking, so now I don’t tip as much.

Now, many are asking “what does being fat have to do with it?” I am reminded regularly by a co-worker that anyone being called “fat” is inaccurate and a trigger for some people. We have fat just like we have finger nails. I am heavier than I look. Many are larger than they would like to be. This is what I’m talking about.

Even the leaders of the class were surprised. At the beginning, we got in the water to practice certain necessary moves. I guess my kayak was sitting fairly low because, when we came out, the instructor replaced my boat with a deeper one that had been in the truck. He said it would help me stay higher in the water. This one didn’t have a strap on the back to hold my coat or my shoes (I prefer barefoot everything, if you didn’t know.) So, I left my coat behind and put my shoes in the bottom of the boat.

This deeper kayak did not keep me out of the water by any means, though. I am heavy, as I said. Apparently, I still weighted it down enough to get water in the kayak. Thankfully, it was less than I would have in the shallower boats. I was reminded as we went, me in my larger kayak, that I am significantly stronger than many people smaller than me. I have to be. Pulling my 266 lbs through the water is a lot harder than pulling Cathy’s 125 lbs. My strength is a positive in many situations. My strength comes from pushing around my fat.

As the day went on, I started to notice more of the water that was building  up on the bottom of my boat. On top of what was coming off of my oars, it started raining. My larger kayak had a larger hole as well. It caught more water. When we returned to shore, others were able to easily get out of their kayak and quickly pull them up to the trailer.

Here’s where another hard part came: Getting up. When you’re thin or light, it isn’t that hard to push yourself only partially onto your legs and press yourself to standing. When you’re someone like me, whose weight plays a significant role in the health of their joints, you don’t want to try to just spring that extra person off of the ground. You need to make sure that your hips are over your knees are over your ankles before you straighten said legs. It’s better for everyone involved. That’s hard to do in a kayak.

On land, if your legs are straight out in front of you, it’s possible to roll to the side to get your legs underneath you before standing. Not so in an aquatic vessel. On top of the not-rolling part, you can’t just put your feet down like in a canoe. The seats in a kayak are very close to the bottom of the vessel and usually do not move backward so that you can get your footing. I still haven’t found the key to standing up easily. What I did was push straight up, get my feet on the bottom of the boat, then grab the front of the gunwale to tip my weight forward over them. This is a hilarious sight if you can’t imagine it yourself. I learned it from the cows in my life… farmers know what I’m talking about.

Ok, after the funny tipping standing motion, I was able to get out of the kayak and started trying to drag it up the beach. The problem was that there’s now 10 gallons of water in the bottom of the boat. Someone tried to help me carry the other end of the kayak and failed miserably. There I stood, waiting for the tiny hole in the back of the boat to drain it enough that we could tip the boat over to drain out the big hole where I’d been sitting.

My adventure was not over. The park where we were at does not have parking right next to the beach. You park at the top of the hill, then walk down a very steep hill to the waterside. I knew on the way down that the way back up was not going to be fun. I was right. These other woman took the hill with ease. 125 lbs is not hard to get to the top of the hill. The momentum holding her back with gravity was so easily overcome that I was in awe. She hardly was breathing hard when we got to the top. I, on the other hand, was drenched in both sweat and river water, along with huffing and puffing like I was trying to blow down a house.

A good friend of mine told me once “My life is not worse because I’m fat. It’s just different.” Worse, maybe not. But I propose that it is harder, and that’s what makes us stronger. We have to work harder to get what we want, like making our own clothing, writing the manufacturer, or going to a different store (or 5). We have to go farther to make people understand, like the extremely unnecessary convincing of our doctors that it’s not because of my fat that I am depressed; it’s the other way around, or going to those 5 stores for a cute outfit, or taking the stairs because the elevator only has room for a skinny girl left. We meet far more people even if against our will, like dating 15 first dates but no second dates, trainers and nutritionists and endocrinologists that can’t figure out how to make us thin, and everyone we bump into in any kind of line.

Life is harder and that’s ok. What’s not ok is when there’s judgement because of it. I was lucky this weekend; no one openly judged my abilities to kayak but myself. I was grateful that no one offered to help me up the hill or suggested that I sit down half way up on the bench. I just wanted to keep going. But there are times when we can’t avoid the feeling of judgment.

Imagine being told you need to buy the seat next to you on a flight, that you are too large for a ride at a theme park, or that your company didn’t get your size of the company shirt that EVERYONE ELSE got. Now also think about the looks you get when you go out with the one you love. Instead of a tiny salad, you order a beer, burger and fries. The girl down the bar snickers and points your way and you can’t help but wonder if it’s about the food you got. The attendant at a clothing store looks you up and down and says “I’m sorry. I don’t think we carry your size. You’d be better off at Lane Bryant.” I do love Lane Bryant, but I wanted to try on that cute, flowy floral you had in the front window. Ordering bras from a catalog because they don’t carry your size, then having to send them back multiple times because the store attendant sized you wrong.

Self-judgment is the biggest risk we face. We try to blend in; to talk quieter so no one notices the fat girl. I won’t do that anymore. When I feel that bug in my brain start to attack, I get louder. If you don’t like the loud fat girl, you probably shouldn’t hang out with me. My husband says I could make friends in Antarctica, and I probably could. I like people and I do think that no one means to be mean. A lot of that judgment is self-preservation or self-hatred. They work so hard to be skinny that they’re terrified that the carrot cake they ate might make them look like me. Fine, let them be terrified. Looking like me is not the worst thing that could happen, but they don’t know that. I do. I have a good life, albeit harder than theirs. But I don’t battle with that fear. I’m happy to be me and to have my fat. I’m happy to be strong and loud and blunt. And all of these things because being the fat girl is harder.

Enjoy your cake and we’ll see you on the road.

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Catching Up

“When I have spare time, I catch up on things
I’ve had to postpone due to lack of time.” Steve Wozniak, Brainquote.com

For those of you that deal with chronic illness or severe mental illness, you know that sometimes life gets in the way. Appointments with the doctor, counselor, physical therapist, or other health professional tend to take up a lot of time. On top of that, there are times that you need to be making the money that you couldn’t make when you or those you love were sick. There’s also that all-too-sought-after ideal of this thing called “rest”. Who has time for sleeping, reading, watching TV, or “self-care”?

The truth is that we all have plenty of time. Our priorities just tend to take over one way or another. My priorities have been to do that self-care, to get the therapies taken care of, and to get my butt back in gear to live my life. So, let’s go forward and let you know how life is going now.

RV life is still happening!! Jeremy and I have loved being in the RV full-time. This winter, we remained parked at the Round Barn location. Our hosts are snow-birds and they left for Florida in November. They requested that we use the dishwasher, sink, and laundry, along with the toilet, to ensure that the waterlines remained in use. It took a load off of their minds to have someone checking this almost daily so that they didn’t have to worry about coming home to a flooded house.

The use of the dishwasher created a natural migration of our cooking to the house, since we could just put everything directly into the dishwasher. So, here we are learning how to cook in the RV again. We also had naturally migrated much of our clothing into baskets because of the back and forth to the house. Another re-learning experience: fitting all of our clothing into the tiny closets. It won’t be as steep a curve as it was last year. Now we at least have experience RVing, so we know what we need to do.

What has come about because of those “natural migrations” and “relearning opportunities” is that we have not put our things away where they belong. Our RV is a MESS!! I have called in a professional organizer to help me make sense of it all this Friday. I’m afraid it may take more than one session and I am willing to put forth the effort so that we can have a harmonious household.

Family life is much less strained. Jason has been living in a foster home for a few months after a stay in juvenile detention. Thankfully, he’s really putting in the work to stay clean, live by the rules, and straighten out his future. We’re really proud of the hard work he’s doing and we hope he keeps honest with himself and with everyone else. He should be transitioning back to his mom’s place within the next month or so. He will remain in treatment for a time and he enjoys the support he gets from AA meetings that he’s been regularly attending.

Jeremy’s mental health has bounced back very quickly since Jason got clean and started buckling down. I think it’s hard for me to grasp the enormity of emotion that goes with being the biological parent to someone with mental illness. It has helped me see Jeremy’s parents and their relationship with us in a whole new light. I’m so grateful that they stick with us and hold family as such a high priority.

Jeremy’s physical health has also made a bounce back. He’s been biking since January again and started running again just recently. He also swims with a group of friends 2-3 times a week. Last weekend, he raced in a duathlon; that is running and biking. He’s eating healthier and losing weight. His blood pressure seems to be better controlled as well.

Physical health has also moved back to the top of the list for me. Along with Jeremy, I’m eating better and exercising more. I’ve started making all of my social time into active time by going for walks, hikes, and bowling instead of out to eat or drink. Running 3-5 times a week has become the norm because of taking the community ed class, First Steps. It’s amazing what having a calm life can do for your health in every aspect.

Work is going well for both of us as well. Jeremy has picked up a new massage type (modality) called watsu. It’s a way of incorporating the buoyancy of water with light stretching and massage pressure.  He’s been doing intermittent training in it for about 6 months now. He also has been offering free practice sessions to our friends and family as part of his certification. I can say for certain that he has a gift in all things bodywork. He’s extremely passionate about the amazing things that water can do to facilitate healing and relaxation.

I’m still at Aveda working in the Quality lab and loving it. I have great coworkers, a wonderful benefit package, a decent wage, and I’m using some of the schooling I have in Chemistry. The only downside to my job is the distance from where we’re parked. It’s 52 miles 1-way to work. I’ve caught up on my music listening, call my family and friends regularly, and have gotten an Audible subscription. My hips and my back do not thank me for this drive. It’s not that I can’t keep myself busy; I would just like to be able to have a life outside of the car.

I know what you’re saying: “Can’t you just park somewhere closer? Isn’t that the benefit of RV life?” While this sentiment is very true, finding places to park a 30′ motorhome is not the easiest task in the world. We’ve been very very blessed to have family and friends who live close to our “home-base” that have allowed us to park in their yards. They’ve been amazing, helping us put in all of the work we’ve done this far. Our current location even has an RV electric panel now because our friends are so extremely helpful to us. That all being said, it is still hard to find parking spots.

RV parks and campsites tend to be fairly expensive compared to making deals with friends and family. It is not uncommon to spend $20 a day on a non-electric site, $35 a day on the electric ones. This is a barebones site, not often including water, dumping, WiFi, or cable (not that we need cable, as we do not have a television). There are some that have this, but usually run around $200/week. We just can’t afford that. I mean, that’s about how much we were paying for a 2 bedroom townhouse. We might as well not RV if that’s the case.

The spots that are not expensive have plenty of rules attached. There are free sites that can take a tent, but often need to be hiked into or used a boat to access. There are corporate sites at Casinos, Cabella’s, or Walmart, but you need permission and can usually only stay for a few days. $5 Truck stops don’t usually allow more than one day. The Girl Next Door is not young enough to be moving that often at this time. As we replace more parts, she’ll get younger and younger and be able to move more and more.

Thus, we rely on family and friends to barter and trade with us. It has worked out well and the current location is with people that we really enjoy our time with. So, I’ll be driving until we either buy our own place to park on or find another friend closer with a similar setup.

All in all, things are going well. With my new found energy, I’m hoping to be able to write a bit more here and fill you all in on the adventures that we take part in. Take care of your health and the health of those around you. We will see you on the road.

Rig-loo

“A snowflake is one of God’s most fragile creations,
but look what they can do
when they stick together!!” -Author Unknown

I am not one to pray for snow. I think it’s pretty when I’m looking out of my parents’ house; me inside with a fire, a good book, a dog to pet, and a blanket. I can totally appreciate how beautiful it is in the trees and creating a blank covering for all of the ground’s imperfections. And I HATE to be cold and wet! I’d rather be hot, dripping sweat, eating some ice cream than need to wear layers and layers of clothing to stay alive. By the way, I hate shoes and shoes are necessary in the snow. Many in my life can attest to my aversion to foot coverings. Again, I like pretty shoes, but rarely wear them. If it was up to me, I’d go barefoot everywhere.

I digress. Snow has not been something I longed for in the past. This is the first winter in my adult life that I was truly happy when we got snow. It wasn’t about the cold or the beauty that I was happy to see it come. It wasn’t about snowmen, snow angels, or snowshoeing. While those things are fun, I still prefer a treadmill, a board game, or a good book.

My longing for snow this year was purely rational; it is free insulation. God showers us with these miniscule pieces of ice. You’d think frozen water would make everything colder. The funny thing about this is that you can stick together these little pieces of ice to make a big fluffy pack of it. When stuck together, snow creates a great heat (or rather cold) barrier. It keeps the heat where it is and keeps the cold out of the heat. As long as it’s cold outside, the outside will stay cold enough to maintain the snow. As long as it’s warm inside, the warmth will be held in by said snow.

That’s what we’ve been banking on. Our skirting is good; our tarps are thick. We added plastic to the inside and outside of our windows. We added foam to the inside of cabinets. We even added Reflectix to our windows, vents, and walls. All of that costs money, so we couldn’t go hog wild on all of it. Now, snow is what we really needed and finally got last week. We shoveled it up and on top of itself to add wind barrier, as well as hold some of the heat in. The heater inside the RV went on half as much that night and less each night that we added more snow.

When we posted a picture of The Girl Next Door last week in an RV group, someone said “It’s a rigloo!” That got us to thinking, “Don’t indigenous peoples have a smart idea with the igloo? Let’s see what we can do with that.” We packed down the snow some, which helped even more.

Today, Jeremy got the best idea. He grabbed a 5 gallon bucket and started shoveling and packing. The 5 gallon bucket offers a consistent shape and size “brick” with a flat top so that we can put the next level on top. Hopefully, in a few more weeks, we’ll be able to really have a wall all the way around us, preventing wind and heat loss. While we’ve had it up as high as 80 degrees inside, we had all three heaters going to do it. I’m hoping we can really ride out the rest of this winter in style once the rigloo is complete.

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In other news, Jeremy had a bit of a run-in with the local wildlife last night. On his way home a whitetail decided to jump out in front of his car. The Buick got some damage to the front end, but the deer got the worse end of that stick. She didn’t make it.

And in good news this week, Jeremy also started his practice rounds for his new bodywork modality. It’s called Watsu as a play on the land bodywork therapy called shiatsu and adding water to it. In all reality, this therapy uses the healing properties of water with the resistance created in motion to promote relaxation and rehabilitation. In short, it’s exactly what Jeremy’s been looking for. His clients seem to be enjoying it too. One of his clients is who turned him onto learning this new therapy. Now he can’t get enough. He’s started training and part of training is practice. We’re excited to see where this goes.

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I’ve been supporting Jeremy in his athletic endeavors as well. He is off on his second fat bike race right now. Today is much warmer than his last race. The risk today is the ice on the trail. I’m praying that no one takes a severe fall because of slick spots. The last race was -14ºF. Everyone had ice on them at some point; Jeremy was no exception. Jeremy even went out one night a while back and tried running a little bit. Just as frozen; no thanks.

All-in-all, we’re doing well. With just the two of us in the RV again, we’re having to rearrange some organization again. More in the cupboards means more to keep the cold out, so we spread our stuff into the edges of the cabinets, hoping for more snow to add to the rigloo. So, start praying for snow for us and we’ll see you on the road.

Happiness is Grateful

I recently read an article in Forbes from 2014 about gratitude. (Find article HERE) What are you grateful for today?

For gratitude, you don’t necessarily have to be grateful to any specific being. I prefer to thank God for the things I have because that is who I believe has the ultimate authority to give and take away. You may be grateful to the specific people involved, a different diety, the universe itself, or even grateful to your past self for setting you up to have these opportunities.

It’s hard to grasp gratitude some days. Especially in our house, there are weeks that are really hard to find something to be grateful for. We’ve spent hours at doctors trying to find a way to cope with life, more hours working on a home that seems to fall apart regularly, are on a first name basis with cops because we see them so often, and even more hours trying to right our upside down money situation. Life can seem dismal.

At the same time, there are always great things to be grateful for. Here are some of mine lately:

I am grateful for a car that is fairly reliable to get me to work and back.

I am grateful for a place to park our home.

I am grateful for people who love me.

I am grateful my husband put down the monkey wrench.

I am grateful my husband and stepson work very hard to regularly take their psych meds.

I am grateful for in-laws who are always willing to help.

I am grateful the police officers are understanding and factual.

I am grateful that my co-workers are constantly cracking jokes. It gets me through my days.

I am grateful for a supervisor that can just look at me and know that something is very off in my life. I’m grateful he’s willing to listen.

I am grateful for a job at a company that pays me well and cares even more about me as a whole person.

I am grateful for loved ones who listen, empathize, and move on to other topics without trying to fix it.

I am grateful for endless shrimp dinners.

I am grateful for food, clean water, heat, and clothing.

So, again I ask, what are you grateful for today?

I’m looking forward to hearing your answers. We’ll see you on the road.

A Head Full of Pain

On the Wednesday after Labor Day, I got up and got ready for work. Jeremy had already left to workout, so I had a fairly silent preparation. I thought my foggy head was just from it being 5am and the remnants of a bad headache I had had the day before. As I walked out the door to get to the car, I was reminded that sometimes headaches don’t just go away; they erupt.

I sat down in a lawn chair we have just outside the doors and the world spun. My headache had morphed into a migraine. Now, I don’t get migraines extremely often, but when I do, they are not usually put at bay by a mere Excedrin Migraine, which I did take immediately hoping that it would put me back on my feet. I ended up having my hopes dashed an hour later and informing my employer that I would not be going to work that day. I then crawled back into bed and slept for most of the rest of the day.

Knowing what a migraine feels like often gives me a small bit of insight into how Jeremy and others with bipolar and borderline personality disorders must feel sometimes. I’m lucky; migraines and severe headaches are accepted illnesses and I can at least get some sympathy from people.

There’s always someone that doesn’t get it, though. Where they get “We all feel sad sometimes” or “I have a hard time relating to people sometimes too”, people with migraines hear “Yeah, I get headaches all the time.” Note: Bipolar Depression  and Borderline Personality Disorder are not the same as sadness, just as headaches are not the same as migraines.

Let me show you a physical example: You have been reading my blog. I assume that most of you are reading with a fair amount of ease, maybe with glasses, but for the most part, it’s comprehensible. Now, look at this: 785a97667c645119a46dc4911af7088f--migraines-quotes-chronic-migraine-quotes

Do you see the difference now? And this examples is if the migraine is a minor one. When mine are severe, the center of my vision is entirely fogged out.

Years ago, I found a video that helped me understand a little bit of what Jeremy goes through. When I showed him the video, he told me that it was the closest he’d seen to capturing how he feels and it’s still a tad off the mark. Check it out here: What it Feels like to Have Borderline Personality Disorder.

I didn’t really get it until I watched this. Then, I went on a YouTube binge to try to understand, to try to find treatments that might help, and to reach out to those that I finally felt that I might understand a little better. I got it now that his outbursts, mood swings, and self-deprecation were just an outward expression of his head full of pain. My outward expression was sleeping, dimming the lights, and putting on my fuzzy sweatshirt. On days when his illness was taking hold, he became sullen, lost control of his voice inflection, and was unable to sit for more than 5 minutes. When mine is bad, I can’t get out of bed, cry a lot, and ask him to put on headphones instead of sharing his videos.

Either way, invisible illnesses are harder than they look. Those of  us that have them often fill ourselves with pills to be able to make it through a day at work (as I am doing today, since the remnants of my reasons for staying home are sticking around today). We may take longer breaks than others. We may need more praise and motivation speeches. We don’t want pity and we might just want you to listen for a little bit when we’re tired of explaining that our bodies and brains are rebelling against our intentions. Thank you to those that try. Thank you for reading this post, whether you’re struggling with it or it comes easy to you. I know better than many how hard reading can be some days. Health and happiness to you all; we’ll see you on the road.

We have Been Doing

Obviously, I’ve been having a  hard time getting here to write. I love writing for you all and I love doing all the things. I can’t always do both.

Since our California trip Here>>>>Golden State of Mind
We have been as busy as summer allows. Jeremy was training and massaging, our youngest got out of treatment and we transitioned him back into his home life, and I’ve been working on finding organization in The Girl Next Door, along with my full time job.

The weekend after we got back, we met my family of origin in Mauston, WI at some cabins on the lake. Seeing all of my nieces and my nephew was refreshing and exciting. Great conversations were had, as well as some delicious s’mores. We had fun playing on the beach and catching up. Babies are part of what make these trips worth it (although they’re not the only thing!)

When we returned, there were presents waiting for us. We got new hoses for waste removal. With the new hoses, we don’t have to move The Girl Next Door to reach the septic on the edge of the property. Jeremy took the time to spray off and open all of the awnings, as well as spraying down the rest of the siding and windows. Thankfully, I remembered to close them before he started.

Sometime in the middle of all of this, Jeremy noticed that he had a pain in his knee. It didn’t seem to be the type of pain that he could take a day off and ice it to help it get better. The pain persisted through weeks of lightening his training. The problem with it was that he was signed up to participate in the Shell Lake Triathlon on July 22. In the end, he gave away his registration for Shell Lake Tri AND sold the registration for Twin Cities Marathon in October. He saw a doctor finally this week, got a knee brace, and has been forced to do no training for at least a few weeks, when he’ll take a nice long ride with my mom. No impact training (read: no running!) for a month. I think we’ll probably have a pretty irritable Jeremy in a week or two. He’ll be seeing a sports medicine doctor soon and hopefully be able to figure out what’s been causing his pain. Once that happens, he’ll be back on the road, I’m sure.

Speaking of being on the road, that’s something I’m loving about working where I do. Aveda recently started a campaign for the employees that includes a Wellness challenge, a free fitness tracker, and a website for accountability. I saw this as a sign that I need to really put some more effort into my health. After having to cancel my Spartan Sprint race in June, I hadn’t been training much and I had started to feel down about my progress. I’m really thankful that Aveda offers this type of thing for us and their care for their employees is one of the main reasons I came back here.

Jeremy’s also been still in the midst of a med change. We are looking at the end of the transition, which is nice. He’s started to be able to focus and calm himself long enough to do self care again, to see how to make healthy nutritional choices, and to take his medicine on time regularly. He’s recognizing the things that are bothering him and getting to the point where he can really voice his needs. It’s an amazing thing to see how the medicine helps him become himself again; the man I love returns. This is a good point to be at because of his physical injuries. Now he’ll be able to force himself to really listen to what the doctors have to say.

Last weekend, Jeremy got the motivation to finish fixing the exhaust on The Girl Next Door. She now has 2 full exhaust pipes and purrs like a kitten…. a very large kitten with Glasspacks. Either way, she’s lovely and idles at a rumble instead of a roar.

He also decided today to take out the original RV futon so that we can add a newer, more fashionable, storage-heavy futon/sleeper to the living room.  He gave it  to someone from Facebook and the rest is history.  Here’s to “renovating the guest room”.

So, Jeremy will be sitting out for a while, but I’ll be out training again. I’ll be adding some hiking regularly, as well as a few runs and strength work. I hope I will have time to start writing something worth reading again. Until then, I’ll be doing all the things worth writing. Come back to catch up on our adventures; we’ll see you on the road.

Oh, What Projects You Will Know!

The weekend was filled with projects.

First, I did not finish the bathroom yet. I did get closer, though. I got some fabric from the neighbors. Now I need to spend some time sewing and stapling before we ate all the way done.

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We spent Saturday doing most of the projects. First, we worked on the engine. She’s been chugging along with some fuel issues. Jeremy and Jason thought it may be the fuel regulator. We learned very quickly that neither of them were going to take care of that with our current equipment. The space under the regulator is only about an inch deep. The bolts holding the regulator on must be removed from that side of the plate. An Allen wrench is used to get those small bolts out. Someone with smaller hands was needed; I ended up being that person.

The guys are the brains of this type of work. Jeremy told me what I needed to do and coached me on doing it right. The Allen wrench was tiny, it had to be “just so” to fit in the bolts, and I couldn’t see my hands at first. I got a bright idea from Jason to use my phone camera so that I could see.

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Eventually, we got it back into the spot and tried it out to see if it helped. We found out that it’s not the fuel regulator. But, while Jeremy drove The Girl Next Door into the spot again, Jason’s wife Ona and I noticed that it’s bogging down and there’s air coming from somewhere under the coach. We’ll see what happens when Jason and Jeremy get back underneath.

Saturday we also helped Jason and Ona get their garden started. We’re really grateful for them letting us plug in and we like to help whenever we can. They decided that this weekend was the weekend to till up their corner and create their awesome veggie garden. We all 4 worked hard to get it started on Saturday, then it got finished up on Sunday. They also got the fence to keep rabbits and dogs out measured by Sunday evening. What a great weekend project.

In other news, I got to be a local tourist with Erin on Sunday. We went to Interstate Park in St. Croix Falls, WI. It’s about 40 miles from Baldwin, where we’re parked. Positioned right along the river, there is also an Interstate Park in Taylors Falls, MN. We only hiked a few short trails, so we’ll have to go back to hike the rest another time.

While we hiked the Pothole Trail, along the water, we ran into a troop of rock climbers. It was really interesting to see them setting up, which ones wore helmets, hear them talk to each other, and imagine the rush of going over the edge of the cliff. Some day, maybe we’ll try climbing a local cliff or traveling somewhere to climb.

When I got home, I did my workout. The hiking was just for fun, you see; the workout was pretty fun too. I chased Jason & Ona’s dogs, Summer and Winter, around the driveway while everyone else was working on stuff. They have some pool rings that the dogs like to pull on. For some weighted squats, I pulled the dogs while using my legs instead of my arms. I was sore a few days later, but it was worth it. Those dogs are so much fun.

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Jeremy and I are intending on transforming those fabrics sometime this week. With both of us working extra to pay off debt, we don’t get around to projects like that nearly often enough. When we do, it’s a labor of love. We both agree that we love The Girl Next Door and Ruby. So, we’ll keep on keeping on and hope to see you on the road.

Full-Time Times

This will be quick. I’m still reeling!!

Ok, first off, I’m sorry to our loyal followers for not writing more in the last month. IT’S BEEN CRAZY AROUND HERE!!

Let’s start with The Girl Next Door. She’s full and being worked on as much as possible. Jeremy has been spending days with Jason, our new neighbor, working on the engine, the electrical, and the fuel issues. She’s moving better than she was when Jeremy crawled at 20 miles an hour into Jason’s driveway; she’s also still not in what we would call “mobile” shape. She moves, but not too quickly. I think Jeremy said he got her up to 35 miles an hour. They’ve changed spark plugs, checked for fuel vacuums, and emptied the old gas. They’ve also re-wired quite a bit of our internal work, including the male end of our 50 Amp electrical hookup, which promptly created some sparks. Now our microwave doesn’t work anymore, but there was no further fire. Thank God.

We’re still not “moved in” either. We haven’t quite had time to work on going through all of our stuff stored at Jeremy’s parents’ place. So there is quite a bit of stuff that is stored there that we want to fit into the RV. That being said, it might never happen. She’s not quite organized inside yet. We have stacks of clothing and stuff on the kitchen table, the couch, the doghouse, and in the passenger seat. Any advice would be helpful. Even more helpful would be a life coach or something to come and go through this stuff with us!!

Jeremy is still working on the rollercoaster of Lamictal reintroduction. This medication works well once it’s up to therapeutic level. The problem is that he has to go very very slowly toward that level because of his rash last July. We’re hoping he’ll be all the way up to it by June. Right now, he’s on the down turn from the most recent increase. By next week or the week after, he should be stabilizing again and we’ll see where he’s at with is moods. In the meantime, he’s riding a wave of cycles, anxiety, and coping skills.

My job change went smoothly for the most part, but I’m now waking at 4am, driving Ruby over an hour one way, and not getting home until 6pm. Most days, I’m tired.  Even though I’ve done this job before, those are old brain cells that haven’t been used in 10 years. Even though it’s a change, I still feel like going back to the QA job is like moving home. There’s a familiarity of the lab; over half of the people in the lab are the same people that were there before. Every single shift has someone who was there when I was there 10 years ago. Nonetheless, I’m enjoying being back on someone else’s payroll.

It’s also a huge change in routine for getting dressed in the morning. I can’t stand in the bedroom anymore, so have to dress in the living room in the mornings. Eating is a change; I’m very close to the bedroom, so I don’t want to use the blender for fear of waking him.  Showering and bathing is different too; we do not have water in her yet for fear of freezing, so we need to go to the gym or the neighbors’ place to shower. Just getting out my clothes has changed because I need to do it the night before so that I don’t have to crawl all over Jeremy every morning.

I’ve been missing meds right and left. With the change in routines, I forget almost daily. Because of this, my depression symptoms have been going a bit haywire. And I’m drinking coffee again too. I need the boost in the morning to be able to drive. Luckily, I found a great recipe for Unicorn Fuel, so I don’t need to add sugar to my diet to enjoy my boost. Food is a hard thing to keep up when there’s this much spinning around, but we try when we can.

We are both in deep athletic training right now too. Jeremy is getting ready to do the Eau Claire Half Marathon in May. My next race is June 10th in Chicago for the Spartan Sprint Obstacle Course Race. Running has become a regular event around the house. Being parked in a new town makes it interesting to find trails, roads, and routes that work for us. I have an extra bonus of strength training for my race too, so I’ve added some of that at my new job; they have a gym available to me.

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Jeremy took The Girl Next Door once to dump and checked out how she’ll look when she’s finally parked in one of our summer spots. This round barn is one of the coolest back drops we didn’t ever imagine would be a parking spot.

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All in all, this new life is working for us, even if we are a little frazzled. Once we’ve gotten in a groove, things will be easier. We are still in the stage where you don’t know where anything is because you just started keeping it there. We’re learning how to prepare for moving her, we’re learning how to take care of the business without me there, and we’re learning how to interact with each other when we’re exhausted from our busy training schedules. We’re both still very happy we made this switch.

Now, as Jeremy plays with the neighbors’ dogs (Dying of cuteness!!), enjoy your life, live healthy, and we’ll see you on the road.

40 days to Easter

“Lent is a time to renew wherever we are in that process that I call the divine therapy. It’s a time to look what our instinctual needs are, look at what the dynamics of our unconscious are.” –Thomas Keating

Last weekend, we attended the baptism of my niece. While listening to the pastor’s sermon, I thought of all the Lenten seasons past that I’ve “fasted” from something in my life. I’ve given up sugary foods, soda, chocolate, pizza, video games, TV, and much much more. Some years, I have given up nothing but increased Bible reading, church attendance, journaling, or some other Spiritual discipline.

Today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of the Lenten season in the Christian church. I wondered to myself if I should participate this year and how I will participate. The hardest thing for me sometimes is choosing what might be a fitting “sacrifice” and discipline for me to partake in. I try to make it something that will benefit not only my Spiritual health during the season, but might stick with me in my physical, mental or spiritual health later. 40 days from now, I may have had a different experience than I think.

According to the Catholic Encyclopedia, “the real aim of Lent is, above all else, to prepare men for the celebration of the death and Resurrection of Christ…the better the preparation the more effective the celebration will be. One can effectively relive the mystery only with purified mind and heart. The purpose of Lent is to provide that purification by weaning men from sin and selfishness through self-denial and prayer, by creating in them the desire to do God’s will and to make His kingdom come by making it come first of all in their hearts.”

40 days, the length of the Lenten season, is a significant number of days in the spiritual world. It’s the length of time that Jesus spent in the wilderness before his ministry started. It’s the length of time the Bible says it rained to create the “Great Flood”. 40 years is how old Mohammad supposedly was when he received his revelation of the arch angel, Michael. The planet Venus forms a pentagram in the night sky every eight years and returns to its original point every 40 years with a 40 day regression, leading astrologists to talk about anything from bad behavior of dogs to infertility to engagements.

In the biological world, 40 days is also far past the 21 days necessary for a human brain to fully accept a new habit. You could almost start a habit twice in that time!! Also, 40 days gives you a chance to try out this new habit in multiple scenarios. The time of year that the Lenten season is in even gives you a chance to try the habit out in multiple seasons if you live in the Midwest like we do. This week alone, we will deal with rain, snow, and sunshine on days that are anywhere from -4 degrees F to 57 degrees F. This new habit will be thoroughly embedded in your psyche and maybe even change your life for good moving forward.

I’ve always thought of the 40 days of Lent as a way to transition from winter to summer in a healthier frame of mind and physical state. So, this year, I am going to give up one thing and add two. I will be giving up all electronic games. I am adding more exercise and writing.

For some, electronic games mean nothing. It would be a minor sacrifice for some. For me, this will be the biggest test. It is such a habit to play games on Facebook and my phone that it would take up hours of my day if I let it; and I have let it before. If given the opportunity, I won’t even play console games, which are a particular weakness of mine since we got rid of our TV some years ago. This will be the hardest part of the Lenten sacrifice for me and counts as two in my book.

As far as exercising, I’ve done well in the past. I have a specific goal in mind for this Lenten time. I want to begin training for a Spartan Sprint race. To do this, I will need to increase my strength training and my running back to levels that will really get my muscles in shape to take on the obstacles. I plan to do 3 workouts a week featuring strength, 3 featuring cardio, and 3 featuring flexibility. I also want at least 1 full day off each week from all exercise so my body can heal. Some days will be short workouts of 30-60 minutes total, others may add up to 2 hours or more, depending on what needs to be done.

Writing has become sporadic for me. I used to write in a journal every day, write at least 2-3 letters a week, and write in a blog 2-3 times a week. In the last year, I’ve gotten to where I’m lucky to write in the blog once a week and a letter once a month. My journals have fallen off entirely. I’d like to get back to at least writing something every single day. I won’t be writing here that often, but know that I will probably write here more often. It becomes a solace and a helpful decision making tool.

With those changes, I feel that I’ll be growing my spiritual health. My relationship with myself and with God grows by my writing and it’s hindered by distractions like my games. Exercise is mostly for my physical health, but mental health is always helped by “burning off the crazy”. So, whether I’m out running or here writing, I’ll see you on the road.

Jack is not the answer

Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant. The reason you feel so good when you drink alcohol is that your heightened state of anxiety or inhibitions is reduced. This helps the brain and body to feel calm. Go too far and the average person deals with majorly reduced function in your body; slurred speech, tripping, blurry vision, and reduced mental capacity are very common. There can even be a reduction in respiratory and circulatory function, leading to a slowed heart rate, dizziness, and possibly death.

There’s another side effect for those of us with recurring depression: the depression can recur because of the alcohol consumption. It’s usually pretty short lived if you continue taking your antidepressants, but for some it can lead to a cycle of feeling good while drinking and drinking again once the depression comes back.

If you couldn’t guess by now, I had some drinks this weekend. A few were Friday night and another Saturday afternoon. By Sunday around noon, I was sad sad sad and hurting. The upside was that I knew what caused it. Bad food and added alcohol were a bad combination for me, I found. I only really knew because I’ve been eating so well for the last 2 months.

Back in January, Jeremy and I started a new lifestyle with our food. We decided to begin eating a mostly paleo diet. This isn’t a diet in the sense that we’re going to do it for a while and once we’ve lost some weight go back to the way it was before. It’s our diet in the sense that it’s what we eat and what we plan to eat in perpetuity. This means no sugar, no grains, no alcohol, and no mass produced dairy.

It’s funny how easily this transition went for us. Yes, there was 5-6 days of “withdrawal” symptoms, but all-in-all it was easier than any other “diet” plan we’ve been on. Part of the reason is that we are both meat eaters and love vegetables. The hardest part for me was chocolate; for Jeremy, it was eating fast food. And now neither one of us craves either of those.

I’ve been craving salty and spicy things. Jeremy NEEDS his unsweetened cranberry juice and bulletproof coffee. So, when the opportunity for bad food came up, we both took it. We are paying for it this week. Thankfully, we’ve been able to get back on track and feel a little better. Jeremy went for a few runs to sweat out the nasties. I have been drinking a lot of water and eating as clean as possible. It’s funny how fast things turn around when your body knows how to clean out, too.

The way the “cheating” on a more strict diet effects you can be beyond the physical responses your body has. Depression can recur because of the feeling of failure. I know that Jeremy and I both had a downward turn in our self-esteem when we weren’t perfect. We needed to be reminded by each other that this isn’t a one time thing; that this is a lifestyle change. We needed to be reminded that it was ok to make mistakes and that it was ok to have our favorite “cheats” from time to time. That 80/20 balance of being able to still have a higher quality of life was more important than the bite of chocolate we just had or the piece of bread or the drink of alcohol. When you’re battling with a mental illness, falling from self-esteem can be a hard spiral to get out of. We need to be careful how we speak to ourselves and to each other. As the years have gone on, both Jeremy and I have gotten better and better at discussing these types of things in encouraging ways.  I’m grateful to have him to help me up when I’m down and to work together on life.

Just dealing with my depression, our self-esteem issues, and our athletic pursuits has been enough to motivate us to keep our food under control. What do you do to keep yourself feeling well and performing at your peak? We’re looking forward to hearing your thoughts. We’ll see you on the road.